Id just like to say outloud that I am completely and totaly enamored with your presence, wit and charm. Your my black Jackie Kennedy. My female counterpart that I can leave in a room full of world leaders because without a doubt she can hold her own.
Give Me Back Girl and You Give me Back my Life
So there are some new developments and things are looking up. This video and this poem sums up how I feel.
“Take away my titles/take away my stripes/ Give me back my Girl and you give me back my life”
“And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I even be
fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying
to get hit by a car just so that I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get
treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I
could fall in love with you in a different language just
to see if it still feels the same type love.”
I Should Have Listened…
So remember that one night in the club. I kinda have this thing about viewing that as the absolute last chance I had to get you back in my life. You had this nice lil black dress. i was still tryna play hard like i aint luv you. So like me and my “business partner” were surveyin the crowd and i see you. So I get all these butterflies in my tummy and order to play hard I do what I normally do, talked shit. So I turn to my business partner and say “pst there go *INSERT UR REAL NAME HERE* ” (head shake smerk). So he all like, “nigga u need to go over there and tell her you love and miss her and you wanna try to make it work”. I guess I had my tru emotions written all over my face long ago and he just called me on it. So then I feel challenged to one up his statement of the obvious truth. So I say ”say der cuz man fuck dat shit. imma tell her im tryna fuck”. His response “nigga thats yall nasty ass way of sayin ‘miss u wish you would come back love u kiss kiss “. Faced with the truth I said “……SO!”.
So thats just what I did and you told me some old nasty shit like “Im bleeding like a pig” and Im all like “WTF” and matching face. We part ways and you go and break our blood oath of divorce and go back to the fuckin bunny boy. Who is probably currently palming and engulf the vulva that i believe belongs to me cuz NO ONE (specially not him) MAD THAT PUSSY SHAKE LIKE ME. King Kong aint got shit on ME! And if he aint, that mean your freaky ass aint happy cuz u aint turning no dick down that you want. That is a worse fate.
But real talk lately Ive really noticed I am having a problem comitting to other women, or even getting close to them. They have all the obvious single women attributes, good family, great relationship with they dad, in the church, got a few degrees, etc. But I be worried about what if the married woman with two kids leaves her husband, I need to ready. Its not logical at all but it feels so good being illogical and thats how I truly know I love you cuz its so fukin illogical yet I rejoice in believing it. Its like a refreshing drink of cognac after after the dj played “2 LEGIT TO QUIT” back to back at xmas skatin back in 1994. Its like your first kiss. Your first taste of ice cream. Its one of those moments in life you come across briefly but if you could have it your way, you would live in those moments continuously. Well I had that and that moment was my time with you. And I was living in it continuously but I jumped out of it. So now I just feel so close yet so far. I don’t care what I do in my life Im always gonna be worried about if my chance comes will I be ready. Will I be available.
You dont know how much our last few conversations have meant to me. I cried for the last 10mins of the first conversation, but not on some ho’ shit. It was some real James Bond, stoic cool “i lay good pipe” type way. This is gonna sound like some mommas boy shit but I havent felt this safe with anyone person since I was like 9 and that was with my momma. Thing is I think you would take better care of me than my mother because you love me in a different way. You love me enough to let me fuck up on my own. You love me enough to help see things In me I forgot was there. And I just hope some how I can maybe show you how much I love you forever. And if that means me writing this blog for another 60 yrs , or that means me being here for you however I can, I dunno. But Id prefer to wake up with you everyday. but hey I cant control fate, just live in its wake. Such is life…
p.s.
whoever wrote these songs where channeling my soul. that is all….
She’s Perfect, So Flawless, I’m Not Impressed, I Want You Back
For some reason Im listening to alot of new music lately. I really like this song. Sums up how I feel. I got other folks who want to be with me but I dont want them I want you.
I just remembered that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
and rolled down aisle five
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave
Can’t remember what went wrong last September
though I’m sure you’d remind me if you had to
our love was comfortable and so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
my friends all approve,
say “she’s gonna be good for you”
they throw me high fives
she says the Bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was so dirty
life of the party and she swears that she’s artsy
but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
our love was comfortable and so broken in
she’s perfect
so flawless
or so they say, hey
say, hey
she thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s faking
and poses for pictures that aren’t being taken
I loved you
grey sweatpants
no makeup
so perfect
our love was comfortable and so broken in
she’s perfect
so flawless
I’m not impressed
I want you back
that you were my first love
is just dumb luck, a technicality
you were ahead of me
that you were my first love
is just dumb, dumb, stupid luck, a technicality
you’ll always be ahead of me
why i have to practice on you
why i have to practice on your heart
Top 10 Ten List
I had a great idea while listening to pandora.com. I should do a play list that chronologically describes our relationship. Let begin:
1. Jodeci- Come and Talk to Me
This song reminds me of the first time I met you. We were going to the pro show in Xenia and TD had us following her. She was telling us we had to go pick up one of her friends that happened to be a bruhs sister, and her son. So we go over, me and my sands clowning wearing Tonya jackets strolling. You were the mysterious friend, and you were actin shity as ever. Not damn talkin. I told one of the bruhs you need to open hand smacked and force fed dick till you acted like you had some damn sense (yes I know over the top and harsh but you know me). But anyway, I was saying all that cuz I really was hoping you said hi or someone introduced us. Hence “come and talk to me” cuz that’s what I wanted you to do.
2. 112-Q, Mike, Slim, Daron (if you are available)
This reminds me of when I was trying to get at you after we both left our spouses. I still had allot of women but I wanted to settle down.
3. Maxwell- This Woman’s Worth
Around this time I was really starting to see you were very special. I mean you juggle your family, and jobs, my dick, my moodiness, it was impressive. Plus you gave great massages, could cook, and kept my balls empty. What more could I fella want.
4. 112- Cupid
Remember when I was in Orlando and Slim from 112 did an impromptu 1 hour show. When he sang this song I called you. It makes the list.
5. Luther Vandross- A House is Not a Home
So after you went and accused me of cheating and I flipped on you this is how I felt.
6. Guy- Bye Bye
This song is for the time you left and we both finally knew it was over. We would be kicking it, creeping or nothing, just pals. In short I was sick. Aaron Halls was really wasn’t all to sad to see his girl go but I am.
7. Jodeci- Feenin
So after you told me you were going back to your husband, and we started messing around, has earned this song the #4 spot. He was describing the woman like a crack rock. That’s how we were. Addicted.
8. John Mayer- Comfortable
Damn the white boy nailed how I feel all the time. Like everyone else is cool, possibly perfect, but they aren’t for me. You are, I want you, no matter what everyone else says. And I’m waiting….
9. LL Cool J feat. Boyz II Men- Hey Lover
Yes I feel so torn about how to approach getting you back or waiting that I needed 2 , #10’s. Since your married and all, I can’t really hope you get a divorce so I can swoop in and luv you forever. “So, I’m gonna keep all these feelings inside, that’s right Keep my dreams alive until the right time”
10. Mary J. Blige- My Life
Since this whole situation has been allot of bullshit, I had to pick My Life. Id do it again of course, and maybe if things work out we will get a second chance. 
Bonus Track
This random song by Joe has earned the Bonus track position the annotated lyrics below explain why. I don’t even know the name of the song but…well read below!
“I’ll make your body cream with my sex machine I won’t stop until I hear your mother scream! (High pitched squeal)”
Acuna Matta?
So I realized today where we went wrong. Trust. I didn’t have much. Funny how things work. As soon as I got my trust in people back, I lost you.
When we first started talking I can admit I was just fucking you. I had wanted to since I met you. You just had something about you that made me want to get that close to you. Plus I knew you could get down, and I like em slim, brown and tall. But you being you, I go sucked in (literally and figuratively), and fell in love. I didn’t trust you with my heart though, so I hid it. I think you did the same though. You hid these feelings between playful expressions and soft appreciative laughter. No matter how pleasant or comforting, you were hiding. Knowing that I was so vulnerable, due to my new found feelings I claimed up even more.
Now you’re gone and I’m, patiently, impatiently waiting for something that may never come, us getting back together. I really wish you would have just once said something close to “I want you”, “I need you” “I want to spend my life with you”, “I want to take care of you forever”. Things like that cause those warm fuzzies inside you to twirl around and make you feel all good inside. The trust that I locked deep inside would have loosened.
As much as I wanna do my own rendition of “Acuna Matta”, I can’t. Such is life, I guess…
STL
Right now I’m in STL at this convention. Its 4am. I’ve been running around since I got done judgin the step tryna get into trouble. I’m normally pretty good at that but over the past few months I haven’t been.
I just wanna get my life back in order and get rid of all the women and alcohol. Its 4am and my roomie is snoring and screaming like a woman. I guess he has sleep apnea or night terrors. Despite this and all the debauchery I could be getting into, I’m thinking about u.
Our situation is clear cut. Ur married and not leaving. Your in luv with me but u don’t want to. Not in a malicious sense but because u want your marriage to work. No one can’t fault you for that.
After all the b.s. I just recently put myself through with my ex I know now how valuable u are to me. I never took u for granted but now that ur officially off the market, u being gone, has set in. Now I’m faced with trying to figure out how to deal with being in luv with a married woman. I’m sorry to report that there is not manual for said task.
So I decided to never give up hope that one day we will be back. I just hope when that time comes u will feel the same about me as u do now. I hope that if that day comes u r still the beautiful person you are now.
I also would be wrong to wish failure on your marriage. I would be wrong to interfere with u falling back in luv with him. I’m ok with that now. I decided to stop sharing my feelings about us. I’m going to write them down in a blog so when the day comes you can spend sometime catchin on me and how I feel about u.
In short my heart really does ache for you. I don’t even want to talk to other women anymore. I’m just waiting for u. In the mean time I’m going to do what I need. I promise I will find a new church and start going regularly. Imma try to stop smokin weed too.
